Dear Marcia,
yesterday I found out, that I’m pregnant. As I already wrote to you, I have been wishing to gat a baby for several months. I thought I could strengthen my relationship to Douglas. Well, everything could be perfect now, if I knew the father. I’m not sure if I had already told you, but I had sex with the Nawab, so I’m not able to say who is the father. I don’t know what to do, because it would become visibly who is the father. Probably, my only choice is an abortion, but I don’t think that I could kill my baby. Furthermore, my baby is a part of Douglas or the Nawab as well and if I would kill the baby, I would kill a part of one of them, too.
So an abortion would be the last step to do. I’m not sure: would Douglas forgive me for my carry on with the Nawab? I don’t think so, he hates the Nawab and if he knows everything abut my relationship to him, Douglas would surely disown me. And I don’t think he would believe that I had a liaison with another Indian man. And what would say the Nawab, if I would tell him he was my babys father and my baby is white? He would know that I told a lie and it is Douglas’ baby. The Nawab is too proud to accept a foreign baby in his palast, especially if it’s a white one. And there’r the Begum, she would never let this happen, too. Besides, I can’t imagine that the Nawab would let me live in his palace or even marry me. His feelings concering the British are to blended.
Well,I guess I really have no choice. I have to kill the baby. Oh my god, what have I done. Killing my baby because of my infidelity is a shame. Please don’t tell it anybody! And please: write back! I need your help and your support, you’re the only one I can talk to!
Yours, Olivia
